Dealing with emotionally draining people - part 1
by Lyn Packer
Being there for others, and having others who are there for us, is vitally important for our overall well-being and has a hugely positive effect on our lives in many areas. Here are some ways that the right support can help people…
It gives a sense of belonging, which we each need in order to thrive, not just survive.
It reduces stress. Stress in life is unavoidable, but having the right support can definitely reduce the effect that stress has on us.
It helps us on all levels; mentally, emotionally and physically, and can even improve health problems (especially those related to stress).
It gives us a much-needed outside perspective and helps us deal with the internal mind war that can often happen. The right support gives an improved sense of self-esteem, security and welfare.
Having people who support us is hugely important, and being there to support others can mean so much to them, too. Sadly, though, sometimes being there for others can have a negative effect on us, especially when those people are emotionally draining people.
The dilemma
The Bible tells us that we should treat others as we would like them to treat us. It also encourages us as Christians to bear one another’s burdens. But as we all know, some people are just plain tiring to spend time with. Most of us have met them or know them; they may even be our friend, or a family member. They are that person who you want to run away from when you see them coming, because of their constant need for attention, continual life dramas, and their demands on your time, focus, and resources.
Have you ever caught yourself wondering how you can stop them draining you, how you can protect and maintain your emotional energy when that person is around you? If so, then I hope these two articles will help you with that.
As Christians, we want to be loving, kind, and give people time, especially people who seem to be hurting or needing help. After all, we know that God can help them, and He can do so in amazing ways if they are willing to face their stuff, and let Him help them and set them free. But not every person that needs help is someone that we are personally supposed to help.
Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that because you’re a Christian you have to help everyone who asks for your help. The accusers of your soul – the devil, and your own inner critical voice – will want to make you feel bad for not helping everyone. These two main critics will try and use these things against you – your desire to be a good Christian, and your desire to help people and see them become whole. They will use guilt, shame, fear of consequences, fear of rejection and being labelled… and more.
However, you are not the world’s saviour; that role belongs to someone else.
That person is Jesus, not you!
You are not their rehab! You are ultimately not responsible for their restoration, overhaul, development, healing, conversion, or growth. You are not responsible for making sure another person is re-established in a healthy life after being hurt, rejected, addicted, etc. They are responsible before God for acknowledging their hurts, their childhood trauma, etc. and they alone must take responsibility for their own healing process, working with God in it so that they can transform their pain instead of transmitting it. God may ask you to journey with them for part, or all, of that process, and you may be a support person for them, but you cannot take the responsibility on yourself of seeing them healed. It’s critical that you learn this lesson otherwise you will wear yourself out trying to help every person that needs help. When that happens, the desire to help people can actually end up working against your personal health needs, and also against the other person’s growth and health, especially if you try to rescue them from lessons they need to learn.
You are not their rehab!
Relationships are filled with ups and downs, give and take, and normally we manage that cycle okay using compassion and understanding. We understand that that’s how relationships work. We all need attention and support at times, but then the situation passes, and we figure things out and move on. But there are some people who take way more than they give. They get stuck in a cycle of emotionally going from crisis to crisis, and they want continuous attention, time and energy spent on them and their problems. This type of person can drain your energy with their constant demands.
Recognising an energy drainer.
How can you tell if someone is draining you emotionally, and stealing your energy?
Pay close attention to your instincts and your physical reactions when you spend time with people. If you find a person emotionally or physically exhausting to spend time with, and you find that when you do, you experience things like loss of energy, muscle tension, headaches, irritability, sadness, confusion, or negativity – those are signs that the person may be an emotional drainer.
You don't enjoy spending time with them any longer, or you dread talking with them. The positive feelings you had toward them are starting to disappear.
You can't be yourself around them, or you censor your thoughts and feelings.
They aren’t really interested in what’s going on in your life, they keep bringing the conversation back around to them and their problems. And you certainly don't get a chance to ask for their advice or support.
You find yourself thinking about their issues more than you do about your own well-being.
Your relationship with them is interfering with other areas of your life, or you're changing your life to accommodate them.
You regularly make sacrifices to make sure their needs are met.
It can be saddening to realise someone is an emotionally draining person, but admitting it is the first step toward helping yourself in the situation. Don’t try to counter that realisation by using dismissive statements such as, “They’re just tiring sometimes”, or “I don’t want to think or say anything bad about them”. Just face the fact that they are a draining person, because you can’t protect your emotional energy levels until you do.
A temporarily draining person, or a serial energy drainer?
Once you’ve established that someone is emotionally draining, then you need to take the initiative in deciding how you are going to relate to them. They don’t get to decide that for you, that’s your decision and your responsibility. An important step in this process is discerning whether they are a temporary energy drainer or a serial energy drainer.
Temporary Energy Drainers
A temporary energy drainer is different from what is known in counselling circles as a serial energy drainer, or energy vampire. A temporary energy drainer is someone who is going through a hard time and needs temporary support until they get back on an even keel and can cope with life okay again on their own. Their need for support is situational and short-term. They don’t suffer from a victim mentality, and it is not an ongoing pattern of behaviour for them. These people are usually open to help and advice and are open to helping themselves. They are willing to take responsibility and look at their pain, to see other perspectives, to take responsibility for their part in a problem, to shift their thinking where needed, work through their emotions, and take practical steps to move forward.
Serial energy drainers
A serial energy drainer (also sometimes referred to as an energy vampire), is a person whose identity is wrapped up in being a victim. They gain energy and affirmation by feeding off other people’s energy and willingness to give them time and attention, and their focus is to make their problems your problems. They always find themselves somehow in the middle of a catastrophe, flailing from crisis to crisis (in their thinking) and outwardly from target to target with their emotional and dramatic behaviour. When they’ve landed on you, they fling this drama onto you in the hope that you’ll absorb it, fix it, and stabilise their world. They are manipulative and pushy in their demands for your attention, and they may have strong narcissistic tendencies. They have a pattern of using guilt and ultimatums, shame, criticism, bullying and intimidation, or threats of self-harm or even harming others, in order to manipulate people into helping them. Some serial drainers may have learnt those behaviours from a parent, and they may be unaware of how their behaviour affects others, because it’s just so normal to them.
Serial drainers are also distractors. They will seek to distract you from other relationships, wanting to keep you to themselves, and they will seek to distract you from your God-given assignments and purpose. Before getting involved with them, ask the Lord whether this person is someone you should spend energy and time on, or whether they are a distraction from your main purpose and assignments, and will be a drain on your energy, time and attention. If you do get involved be aware that it can be hard to disengage later, as they will not easily give up a willing audience. We’ll give some tips for creating safe boundaries in the next article.
Protecting yourself
Remember, loving and helping others is a battle that is fought in two realms – the visible earthly realm, and the invisible spiritual realm. Your relationship with the Lord – drawing strength, encouragement, and receiving strategic insight from Him – will be vital throughout the length of your relationship with the other person. Times of refreshing in the presence of the Lord, and with your support people, will be a critical part of your own ongoing wellbeing, also.
Both temporarily draining people and serial energy drainers can unwittingly partner with forces of darkness, so it’s important to be able to discern what behaviour is due to wounds that have not been dealt with, and what is fuelled by spiritual forces. Don’t automatically label all draining behaviour as being demonic – that is untrue, unscriptural, and unfair on the person.
Our goal
We will all at some time or another encounter draining people, but there are things we can do to both prepare for that, and to protect ourselves, as we seek to help them. Our goal in all we do is to allow the love and power of Christ, and the fruits of the Holy Spirit, to flow through our lives as we help the people we are called to help.
In the next article we’ll give some practical tips that will help you create safe boundaries for yourself, set healthy emotional attachment levels, and give you some practical advice for working with both temporary and serial draining people.