Spiritual bypassing
What on earth is spiritual bypassing – is this a new ‘fad phrase’ used only by ‘woke’ people, liberal Christians, or counselors, or is it an actual thing that can have very real effects on people’s lives? The term may sound a bit spiritually flaky initially, but spiritual bypassing is a very real problem and one that has been recognized by health professionals for at least fifty years. Yet many in the church have no idea what it is, and sadly, too often as Christians, it can easily become a part of the way we deal with problems, woundedness, or hard situations if we’re not aware of what it is.
The foundation of spiritual bypassing is basically avoidance and repression, not wanting to face our issues and problems. Spiritual bypassing is where we seek to hide behind a spiritual facade, spiritual practices, or use spiritual answers alone, to avoid, cover-up, suppress, or try to fix, uncomfortable issues in life. Those issues may include things like – unresolved emotional issues and wounds, the loss of a loved one, a relationship breakup, family problems, childhood abuse, loneliness, low self-esteem, self-sabotaging behaviours, fear, mental or emotional health issues, not looking after our health properly, dealing with financial issues or debt, avoiding working on relational issues, dealing with unresolved trauma, or any other challenging problems that life presents.
Spiritual bypassing, and toxic positivity can often be found together as replacements for facing, and working on, these types of issues. Both of these prevent people from acknowledging what they’re feeling, dealing with their problems, and from allowing others to help them.
Life and issues are synonymous
You cannot live without issues cropping up; that’s just life, everyone’s life! No one is immune from having to face problems and issues – relationally, in work, at church. We all face them, along with the uncomfortable emotions that accompany them. And we all have unresolved issues from our past, and possibly present, that rise up and demand that we look at them and work through them. We need to face them, not seek to avoid them by using spirituality and Christian practices to bypass dealing with them. Using spiritual bypassing as a way to avoid complicated feelings or issues will ultimately work against you, stifle authentic growth, and affect your overall well-being.
What spiritual bypassing looks like
Some examples of what spiritual bypassing looks like:
Focusing only on spirituality (spiritual life and growth) and ignoring present or past realities and hurts.
Thinking that you, or others, can overcome their problems through the use of “more spirituality” – by speaking more Scripture over a problem, more prayer, “getting into Jesus” more, more positive thinking, more obedience to Scripture, or to God or leaders. Excessive attending of conferences, spiritual retreats, and meetings in order to bolster feelings of spirituality and avoid facing issues, believing that this next conference, retreat, etc. will give you all the answers you need, or bring a ‘breakthrough’.
Thinking that you must “rise above” your emotions to a higher way of living. Avoiding, suppressing, or disowning feelings you think are ‘negative’, such as confusion, frustration, sadness, anger etc. (often people who use spiritual bypassing can feel that it’s not spiritually acceptable to have ‘negative’ feelings).
Believing that your own spiritual, or moral, excellence or superiority, is a valid way to hide from, or deal with, insecurities and problems.
Using defense mechanisms such as denial and repression.
Believing that traumatic events must always serve as “learning experiences”.
Only focusing on the positive, or being overly optimistic, and always having to look for the silver lining behind every negative experience.
Having the belief that spiritual practices such as meditation or prayer are always going to yield positive results, and that if you do them enough you’ll get your answer.
Extremely high, often unattainable, idealism.
Feelings of detachment – not owning up to the fact that there is an issue that needs facing, and pretending that things are fine when they clearly are not.
Projecting your own negative feelings onto others.
Believing that God gave me this… sickness, problem, made me lose my job, etc – to teach me something, to punish me for…, because I wasn’t being obedient, to force me to rest, to correct me, etc.
Believing that all your problems, or most of them, are a result of a demonic attack against you personally, or against your family, your church, etc., and that if you can deal with the demonic attack your problem or issue will go away.
Spiritual bypassing is a way of glossing over problems, denying them, or pushing them down into our subconscious, rather than facing them and working through them. The reality is that there are very real consequences to our avoidance and denial. Spiritually bypassing is a counterfeit way of dealing with our problems that leads us to deception and bondage. It is not a healthy or godly way to deal with issues; instead it avoids and glosses over the problem, leaving it to fester away within us without any true resolution, and ultimately causes more issues for ourselves and others.
The reality is that God has never suggested, nor intended, that we use our spirituality, Scripture, prayer, or a feeling of being spiritually-high, as a substitute for working through the problems we face in life. God often works relationally, through interaction with Himself and with people, in order to minister to us. And sometimes it needs a combination of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual things to happen in order for a situation to be resolved or for healing to happen.
Dealing with issues in a healthy way
We must each take responsibility for facing our issues and problems, and our goal in dealing with any spiritual bypassing practices that we may have developed is to allow us to grow into authentic spiritual maturity in Christ. True spiritual life and growth is not just about learning more memory verses, reading the Bible more, and praying longer; spiritual growth is also about dealing with the things that would seek to stop us from growing into the image of Christ and into maturity in Him – our inner wounds, orphan thinking, victim mentalities, wrong mindsets about God and His nature and character, etc.
Scripture tells us in Rom 12:2 that we are transformed by the renewing of our mind. It is one of the most important parts of that process of growing into maturity in Christ. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” It is this that causes true transformation to come to our minds, heart, and soul, and ultimately to our behaviours. (My next article will look at renewing our mind in more detail.)
It can take intentional, and even ruthless, self-honesty to see through the lies we’ve been conditioned to believe, or have told ourselves. With that being said, here are some things that can help you in that journey:
Choose to be open-minded. Before you can uncover, or move out from using, spiritual bypassing as a way of dealing with issues, you need to be willing to admit that you have been wrong, or misguided. Without that willingness you’re fooling yourself, and you’ll make no progress. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect (we all are!). We all make unwise decisions and go wrong at some point, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Admit your flawed, imperfect humanity and step forward in authentic growth. Ask the Lord to show you where you’ve substituted spiritual bypassing for facing issues and working through things.
Be honest with yourself. Have you been deceiving yourself into thinking that if you were just more spiritual you wouldn’t be having problems? Being honest with ourselves isn’t always easy; I understand that! But we must do that if we can ever hope to face issues in a healthy way and grow into the maturity that Christ has for us. If the Lord shows you areas where you’ve sought to bypass issues, own up to that, and take responsibility for the unhealthy ways you’ve dealt with stuff in the past.
Dare to face your self-delusion and cognitive dissonance. When we don’t face things, we step into self-denial and delusion, and cognitive dissonance happens. Cognitive dissonance is when our heart and mind war within us and contradict our way of dealing with issues. Facing the truth, or allowing doubts and questions, is too painful, so the reality is avoided and a false reality is created instead. Those who engage in cognitive dissonance tend to “explain away” their behaviour, seek to rationalize it, or live in denial.
Face your unhealthy ways of dealing with issues. Remember in this process that facing your behaviour is not about heaping shame on yourself or becoming “more perfect,” but about being honest and clearing away any self-delusion. Don’t shame yourself for your past behaviour; just recognize it and start to change it.
Asking a trusted friend or mentor if they’ve noticed any tendencies toward spiritual bypassing in your life can be helpful, too; sometimes we don’t see clearly where our own behaviour is unhealthy. However, only ask if you genuinely want to know and are prepared to deal with their answer in a respectful way. If at any point you feel overwhelmed with an emotion like anger or defensiveness, thank them and tell them that you need a minute or two to process what they’ve told you.
Acknowledge your pain and allow yourself to feel it. We use spiritual bypassing to avoid facing painful emotions such as shame, grief, anger, hatred, fear, terror etc. Let’s admit it, we’d all rather experience and enjoy a spiritual high (and misguidedly, even a self-induced deceptive one) than do the hard work of facing our emotions and inner pain. Yet facing it is what will actually lead to us experiencing true and long-lasting peace, fulfilment, and joy. Recognize the painful emotions, allow yourself to feel them, and determine that you will work through them.
Work through your stuff. Facing your pain and issues isn’t easy, nor will it necessarily be simple. You will most probably need help in doing so. Can I recommend seeing someone who is a trained spiritual counsellor or therapist, someone who has had training in dealing with trauma, as most spiritual and cognitive dissonance comes from unresolved trauma. There are a lot of things that can help us process through issues, hurts and pain, and a multi-pronged holistic balanced approach is the best way. The only alternative to a healthy well-balanced way of dealing with our stuff is to ignore it, suppress it, or to revert to using the ‘spiritual’ to try to deal with it, and that’s what got many of us stuck in this hole to start with!
Other things that can help in the process of facing things are things like keeping a journal, art therapy, learning to breathe properly (true fact), regular exercise, and looking after your body well, expressive dancing, inner child work, prayer ministry, allowing God to minister to you directly, in person or through scripture, and no doubt you can think of others, too.
In closing
God’s plan is for us to experience authentic spiritual peace and growth, not to live a pseudo-spiritual life that is unreal and doesn’t truly face the issues we face in life head-on with Him. The Lord has promised that He will be there to help you every step of the way. He has the know-how you need to help you and to bring you to a place of authentic spiritual life, true abundance, peace, and joy. Sometimes He shares that know-how in person, and other times it’s shared through wise counsellors, friends or even strangers. Whichever way it comes, be open, embrace it, and be thankful that God cares enough about you to not allow you to stay imprisoned in your pain and hurt.