Dealing with emotionally draining people - part 2
by Lyn Packer
In the last article we looked at the reality that sometimes we encounter temporary energy drainers, and other times people are serial energy drainers or energy vampires. We learned to discern the difference between the two and how they operate, and we looked at the effect they can have on our lives.
In this article we’re going to look at setting safe boundaries and how you can protect yourself in the areas of emotional attachment and energy levels. Remember that any boundaries you do set should not be set in concrete; you are allowed to reassess them as you move forward and change them if necessary. We’ll also look at some practical tips on dealing with draining people.
A very wise person once said this –
“Just because I serve you, that does not make you my master.”
It’s good to remember that although you can love and help them, you do not have to be at the beck and call of an emotionally draining person; they are not your master. This is important knowledge to have, because while we seek to love and serve people by giving them support and help, we must also look after our own emotional and physical health and wellbeing. You are there to help the other person as the Lord leads, not out of a sense of Christian duty, misguided loyalty, or pressure. Don’t let feeling guilty or pressured be your initiating motivation for helping them. Don’t carry the emotional weight of feeling that you must be the one to be there for them. You are not the only person who can help them; they are not your weight to carry.
To help you stay fresh, ask for the Lord’s wisdom and strategic insight on how to navigate the relationship. Talk things through with Him often. He knows best what both you and the other person need, and will show you how to give support without becoming drained and in need of help yourself. Maybe ask some friends to pray for you, but do so without divulging private personal details about the person you are helping.
Practical tips for helping draining people
Know your limits! Know your expertise limits – what you are, and are not, capable of giving them in the way of advice and help. Don’t over-extend yourself. Where needed, refer them to those who are more experienced than you. Know your own energy and time limits. Are you someone whose energy gets drained easily? If so, you’ll need to recognize your limits and be willing to set, and stick to, boundaries that protect your energy.
Know the difference between ‘venting’ and ‘dumping’ so you can discern what’s needed and set appropriate limits – time and energy-wise. Everyone needs to be able to give voice to frustration now and again; holding stuff in is just not healthy. In ‘venting’, while the person is voicing their frustration, they are also open to facing their role in the problem, and their responsibility to look for a solution. A person who ‘dumps’ is usually very vocal, but at the same time expects others to take responsibility for fixing the problem. They do not take any personal accountability or responsibility for their part in it.
Set boundaries. This applies to family members, friends and acquaintances, such as church members, work colleagues etc. Boundaries are important for both individuals in a relationship, and for the health of the relationship itself. They are about allowing you to safely include people in your life, and only sometimes about excluding them (if absolutely necessary). Clear boundaries allow us to remain connected, and communicating those boundaries shows our respect for the relationship. It shows that we’re willing to put in the work to ensure that the relationship stays strong and safe. Here are some different areas to consider – time boundaries, belongings boundaries, physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, opinion, and belief boundaries.
In regards to phone and social media – You don’t have to take people’s phone calls or answer their texts. You don’t have to accept a friend request or answer a person’s messages on social media. Block them if you need to. You will probably feel rude doing that, but you get to choose how much access you give people to your life. You are not their servant.
Don’t be their go-to, answer person. You don’t have to keep offering them solutions, doing their work for them. Instead, say something like, “ You’re perfectly capable of sorting that out yourself,” or "I'm confident that you'll be able to find the right answer on your own." You don't have to be rude—you can be firm in a kind and caring way.
Be honest with yourself about the fallout of spending time with this person. Once you’re aware of how a person’s energy makes you feel, don’t lie to yourself or get angry about what’s going on—you know what it is. Don’t lie to yourself and blame your lack of energy and enthusiasm on something else; that’s only going to make it worse. Admit to yourself what’s going on, and why you’re feeling this way, and know that you’ll feel like yourself again soon enough. Sometimes the draining effects of spending time with a person like this pass quickly, but other times they can take days to pass.
You can't keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw. – Paul Scanlon
Dealing with a serial energy drainer
If you’ve established that someone is a serial energy drainer, you may have to apply stronger measures to ensure your emotional wellbeing. If the Lord says to go ahead and be there for this person, then move ahead with caution. Make sure you have the support that you need around you; consider who you can talk things through with – a friend, spouse, or pastor. This is important, as a serial drainer will try to use mind-games and manipulation to draw you into becoming enmeshed in their dramas. Remember, you are not their rehab, their healer; only Christ can be that for them.
Don’t share highly personal stuff with them from your life. You don’t want to let a serial drainer into the very core of your life as they will seek to use that closeness to try to manipulate you. It can also encourage them to try to ‘one-up’ your stories. Deflect personally invasive and negative comments and suggestions that you don't feel comfortable with. Say things like, “That’s not something you need to know”, “I’m not willing to talk about that”, or, “I’m not going to respond to that.”
You are responsible for stewarding your time and energy wisely. In any conversation, you get to decide how much time you are willing to give them. You are allowed to say, “I can only give you five minutes, or ten minutes”. If you do set a time limit, stick to it, and politely disengage at the set time limit. You are allowed to say, “I’m sorry I can’t talk to you at the moment”, without giving them a reason why. You don’t owe them a reason.
An emotionally draining person may use emotionally manipulative statements, or even threats such as, “I need you, I can’t go on if you don’t help me”, “You call yourself a Christian…” etc. Don’t let statements like this make you feel guilty, when it’s actually manipulation on their part.
If you know there are certain topics that get them riled up, steer clear of them.
Being straightforward is the best way to speak to a serial drainer. Don’t let them manipulate you emotionally. They will want to make you feel sorry for them and drag you into their problems. Confront their behaviour head-on in a kind and unemotional way, and explain how their behaviour has impacted your relationship with them. At the same time, reinforce that you want to maintain a relationship, but they must be willing to work on it being a mutually advantageous relationship, not a draining one. According to Talkspace therapist Rachel O’Neil, Ph.D. “WIth an energy vampire, these conversations tend to work best when you’re not at a high emotional level and can express your feelings in a non-confrontational way.”
Stay calm, and as much as possible stay non-reactive. Remember, this person wants attention; they want to get a reaction from others. They want sympathy. Don’t let them draw you into their drama by showing reactions to what they say, no matter how shocking it is. They will be actively looking for responses that show you are interested in their drama; act disengaged, or reduce eye contact and look over their shoulder at other things. Use body language to distance yourself – cross your arms, and partially turn your body away from them when listening to them. Give minimal verbal response. They want to draw you into long chats. Don’t get drawn into giving advice. Have a valid reason up your sleeve that you can use to disengage. For example, you could save a phone call that needs to be made to use at that time, or leave an errand waiting so you can use it to excuse yourself.
If the serial drainer is a family member it can be even harder to deal with, but the same things apply. You have to decide how much you are willing to give. Family or not, you have to set firm boundaries, and if they don’t honour those boundaries they show that they don’t honour you. You may then have to distance yourself from them or even cut them out of your life, as hard as that will be to do so.
In conclusion
While we would love to be able to help people through their hard times, sometimes it can take a toll on us, and sometimes it’s just not practical for us to continue to do so. If you allow someone to steal your energy then you can’t invest that energy into those you love. Being your best you, taking care of yourself, is in the end the highest form of selfless service you can give others. Because the best version of you is the one that can best serve everyone else. A worn down, worn out version of yourself will, in the end, be little use to anyone. If you need to distance yourself from someone, or even cut them out of your life, do so kindly, but also be truthful. Tell them why, and say that you aren’t able to give them the help they are looking for.
Encourage them to get help from a spiritual advisor/pastor, counsellor, budget advisor, etc. – someone whose position carries respect, authority, and who has the expertise to actually help them. Don’t send them to your local church volunteer help services, such as the prayer ministry team, because they will most likely just try to draw those people into their drama.
Lastly, remember this…
You can love people and you can choose to help them
But…
You are not their rehab!
They are ultimately not your responsibility!
You don’t have to be the one who is always there for them.
You don’t have to make time.
You don’t have to reply to them.
You don’t have to defend the boundaries you set.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You just don’t have to…
Because… you are not their rehab!
Ultimately, Jesus is the only one who can be that.