This article is part of an ongoing discussion series on Mental Health and the Church. While each article can stand on alone, if you’d like to start at the beginning click here.

Managing worry, anxiety, and fear isn’t always easy. Often we’re not taught how to do that as a child. I certainly wasn’t taught any healthy management skills as a kid, so instead I adopted loads of unhealthy ones. It wasn’t until I was in my early 40’s that I started to learn how to manage, and work through, my emotions and anxiety in a healthy way. I am still learning and growing in this area, and making great progress, too. The good news is that it’s not too late for any of us, and we can all make changes if we are willing to face our issues and work at making better responses and choices. We may need help from trained professionals to do so, but there’s no shame in that…there is only honour.

Because you are worth respecting and honouring, it is really important that you respect and honour yourself, and give yourself what your mental and physical health needs in order to function well. You can learn, and develop your skills so you can manage your emotional response in healthy ways in situations, and it’s worth the time and effort it takes. In doing so you’ll become less stressed and more healthy in every part of who you are – spirit, soul and body.

Developing self-awareness is a great place to start. It’s really the first step to managing fear, worry and anxiety. The reality is you will never eliminate fear responses from your life because they part of our body’s natural protection responses. But you can determine and control whether fear, worry, and anxiety become a habitual way of responding to problems.

How do we develop that self-awareness and stop fear, worry and anxiety causing long-term damage to our health?

Notice how you feel

Being able to identify your physical feelings and emotions is a great first step toward being able to help yourself in situations.

Make yourself a new habit. I found it easier to be aware of how I was responding in intense stress situations when I established a habit of being self-aware outside those intense type situations. I’m still trying to build this habit but I’m learning to stop and become aware of how I’m feeling in normal situations.

Notice how your body is reacting in situations – are you calm, or do you have sweaty palms? Has your breathing become faster and shallower? Are you noticing a sudden stomach ache or headache, feel frozen to the spot, dizzy, have a dry mouth, or do you go numb and unable to think? These are all clues that you have become stressed about something. These physical feelings can sometimes even be scary in themselves, especially if you’re not sure why you’re experiencing them, or if they seem out of proportion to the situation you are in.

Also try and define the emotions you’re feeling – positive or negative depending on the situation. Positive emotions may include feeling joy, gratitude, happy, contentment, calm, rested, amused and more. Negative emotions may include feeling angry, scared, panicked, overwhelmed, frustrated, humiliated, aggressive, numb, vulnerable, embarrassed, appalled, violated, disappointed, etc. Acknowledging what you are feeling is vital, and naming it helps you to know what you are dealing with. Dig deeper than just the first surface level emotion that presents. A good tool for helping identify what’s under our surface emotion is the emotions wheel, a tool first developed in the 1980’s to help people pinpoint what they are actually feeling. For example if you are angry about something that happened, that anger may be because you are feeling betrayed, disrespected, ridiculed, violated, jealous, frustrated, or more. I’ve used this tool myself for years to help me identify what I’m feeling about things. I’ve posted a copy of the emotions wheel pic at the end of this post for you to check out.

Own what you’re feeling

Don’t deny it, or pretend that it isn’t there. Don’t stuff it down or spiritualise it away. You’ll just ultimately use up more energy trying to deny or suppress it than you will facing it. How you’re feeling is how you’re feeling, and it’s only when you acknowledge it that you can begin to work through it to restore peace and equilibrium to your life.

Take a deep breath!

When you notice you are feeling stressed or fearful stop and take a deep breath then pause for a couple of seconds, this deliberate act, refocuses you. Then take several more deep breaths. And, yes, it does actually help. If your body and mind is stressed then you’re probably breathing shallowly and faster than normal. Taking several deep breaths and bringing your breathing under control will refocus your mind and re-orient your nervous system, telling it to deactivate the body’s stress response.

Evaluate

Check how you are feeling now and decide what you need at this moment. Do you need to remove yourself from the situation, or do you need to ask for help? Or you may need to go for a walk and clear your head (nature is a great calmer). This step helps to give you some space to step back and determine what you need to do next in response to the situation. Taking even a quick break can allow your head to clear so you can start to think clearly again.

Examine your thoughts

Ask yourself some questions; ones like, What is it I’m afraid of? Is the threat real or imagined? Is this new situation reminding me of something else that happened in my past? Some people examine their thoughts internally, thinking them through. Some speak them out loud, verbally processing, and others write down how they feel, and the answers to the questions they ask themselves.

Empower yourself

It’s important during all this to encourage and empower yourself. Sometimes situations can leave us feeling disempowered, and we need to remind ourselves that we are not powerless. Acknowledge your current feeling, but know this – your current feeling is not all of who you are. You are more than your current feeling… way more! Some things that can help are:

Acknowledge that God is with you and ask for His help, insight, and wisdom concerning how to deal with the situation.
Say something to yourself like, “I am not powerless, even though I feel that way at the moment.” Acknowledge the fear, but know that you do not have to let fear rule you in the situation.
Make an acknowledgment that you already have some skills that you’ve acquired along life’s journey that can help you work through this. List them in your mind, or even write them down.
Use an affirming action such as – look in the mirror and give yourself a selfie high-five and encouraging word to yourself. (Check out Mel Robbins book ‘The High-Five Habit). One action that I used to help me overcome my fear of public speaking was an idea the Holy Spirit gave me as I was praying about it one day. I would imagine I had a sword strapped to my thigh, put my hand on the imaginary pommel, and say to myself, “Okay I’m ready Holy Spirit, let’s go adventuring.”
Recall a time when you faced a challenge and came through it and use that to encourage and empower yourself. You got through challenges before, you can do it again now!

All these can help reorient you and work toward restoring your equilibrium and help you shift from feeling trapped and overwhelmed to thinking more clearly.

Decide your next steps

You’ve examined why you’re feeling like you do, and you’ve asked for God’s help and wisdom. Believe that He will give it to you. It may come in many different ways, so don’t lock Him in by expecting Him to come through in one particular way. Breakthroughs often come in small stages that are easily dismissed as natural happenings and coincidence; they don’t always come as one big sovereign miracle-type intervention. Doing the things I’ve mentioned above should help you get a clear picture and understanding of the situation, and how you could respond to it. Now you get to decide where to from here, and what positive steps forward you need to take.

At the time

Do you need to have a conversation with someone, either to solve an issue, or to get advice about how to proceed?
Is there a particular course of action you need to take?
Do you need to ask another person’s advice? If so, make sure it is someone who has the actual ability to help, not someone who will pat your hand while fuelling any feelings of injustice you may have, or add to your fear with negative predictions.

Being proactive will help you feel more in control in the situation, boost your confidence, and help you know if you can get through this okay. You can do it next time you face a problem, too.

Longer term

Do you need ongoing help and counsel?
Do you need to do some learning or research to give you a better understanding of what you’re dealing with?
·What safety boundaries, or networks, do you need to place in your life, such as a certain friend you can call if something happens, not hanging out with that group of people, learning how to say no and stand up for yourself etc.? Thinking things through, and having an action plan ahead of time, can definitely help when you are faced with some things.

Developing self-awareness does take practice and time, I won’t deny that. Sometimes you’ll do well, other times you’ll forget until you’re well into a reaction. If that happens just stop at that moment of recognition and start from there. Don’t belittle yourself or heap shame on yourself – you’re learning, and you don’t always get things right all the time when you’re learning. But you know what – it’s worth it! Because you’re worth it! You are worth investing time and effort in, and being free to live your best life is worth any effort you put into it.

What if the worry, anxiety or fear persists?

If your worry is ongoing, or you need help overcoming that fear or anxiety, then please get the help you need. Sometimes it’s just not possible to overcome or manage issues by ourselves.

The following are indicators that you might need extra help…

If you continue to feel overwhelmed or you often feel overwhelmed or anxious.
If your ability to function as you normally do is impaired.
If your normal sleep patterns change hugely.
If you opt out of meeting with friends, or cancel going in to work, because it’s all too much.
If you have trouble completing normal routine tasks.
If you feel constantly tired and down. (Maybe start with a doctor’s appointment and get some blood tests done to rule out purely physical things like low iron etc.)

The most important thing to remember here is that you do not have to face this alone – don’t let past tendencies, shame, or stubbornness stop you from reaching out for help if you need it. Let others in and let them help. There is no shame in needing help; we all need it at times. We need each other; we were never created to stand alone as an island, we were created to function best within relationships. As a Christian, asking your Pastor or pastoral staff for an appointment may be a good place to start, so you can talk things through and pray together. They can also probably refer you to a healing ministry, coach, or counselor, if you need that. If you need ongoing longer-term counsel and help then you can also find help through places like the Mental Health Foundation of NZ or the New Zealand Christian Counsellors Association.

Keep hope alive

In your life so far you have faced and overcome much, and you can get through this time, too. Keep your hope alive, plan things you can look forward to, even if it is just setting a time to have a coffee with a friend. It doesn’t have to be big, small is okay.

Remember that God is right there for you, ask Him to refresh your hope by giving you some of His knowledge concerning your future. And, His love and wisdom is always there to draw on, you are not facing this alone. God has promised many times in Scripture to be there with us in all we go through, to help us, to provide for us, to give us wisdom and strategic insight.

Ask Him who He wants to be to you in this season, what He wants to reveal to you of Himself – His nature, His capabilities, His provision. Does He want to be to you, the friend who sticks closer than a brother, your wise counsellor, the one who is merciful and forgives, your loving Father whose arms are always open to you, or the one who fills you with peace and is a safe refuge in the storm..

Ask Him what He wants you to learn in this situation, what gifts or fruits of the Spirit He wants you to make use of, or to develop more in you.

In all you go through in life there is a chance to grow, to discover new things about yourself, God, and others, and as you do, you get to come out stronger, because you and God together are making all things work together for good and growth in your life. Will it always be easy to face our issues and grow? No! Real growth means that we must be willing to look at ourselves honestly, face our issues, and work on them. And that work may very well take longer than we think or would like – at least that’s what I’ve found in my journey as I’ve worked through the childhood sexual, verbal, and physical abuse that happened to me.

Stuff happens in life. God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, but He does promise that He will be with us and never leave us to face life’s circumstances alone. And, most comfortingly, in the midst of every circumstance there is another chance to gain a deeper revelation of how much God loves you.

Emotions Wheel

As promised above here is the Emotions/feelings wheels I’ve used many times to help me identify my deeper underlying feelings. First pic has a mix of positive and negative emotions and the second pic is all positive emotions.

For the next article in this series click here

For the next article in this series click here.