Spiritual Wounding - Part 4 - How to help others find healing
Part 4 of a 4 part series - While this article can stand alone I recommend you read the rest of the series before reading this. You can find them here Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.
Sadly, too many people are being hurt in churches through spiritually abusive behaviour. Many of us will know people this has happened to. and although we may wish this never happened, it does. However there is much we can do to address the abuse, to support and help those who have been wounded when Christianity has been used as a weapon against them, and to help perpetrators address their behaviour and change it.
Scripture tells us several times to treat others as we would like to be treated, and that is definitely how we should treat those involved, whether victim or perpetrator. Yet often we can unwittingly treat them with disrespect and wound them ourselves.
In the case of the victim, this often happens by our not believing them, and not supporting them or making sure that they get help. Instead we often seek to justify their abuser’s behaviour, or even defend it. The result is that we then add to the problem instead of helping the wounded person through it.
In the case of the perpetrator, this happens by our judging and ostracising them, heaping condemnation on them, and not helping them to get the help that they need. Perpetrators also need help, which includes healing, renewing of their minds, and restorative justice procedures to be followed.
The main focus of this article is on how to help victims of spiritual wounding, so here are some ways that you can help those you know who have been wounded by spiritually abusive behaviour.
Listen and don’t make judgements
Listen. The first thing you can do for someone who tells you about mistreatment that they’ve suffered is to listen with an open heart. Listen, validate the fact that they are hurting, and don’t jump to making judgements or assumptions!
Our immediate impulse on hearing someone share something like this is to try and offer advice, words of wisdom, or share pertinent Scriptures. What the person really needs is someone who will listen to their experience and feelings without jumping to conclusions, or seeking to fix them and their perspective on the situation.
It takes immense courage for someone who has endured spiritual wounding at the hands of another Christian to open themselves up and share what happened. That’s because they just don’t know how it’s going to be received, or if they will be believed. (Believe me, I know, I’ve been in that situation personally.) Historically most victims and survivors of spiritually abusive behaviour have been met with disbelief, and their truthfulness and character are often called into question by others when they do report their abuse. That’s why many times they suffer quietly, saying nothing, rather than having to face the intense scrutiny and possible unbelief that they may have to endure.
Be a safe, trustworthy person who keeps confidences. A wounded person needs to know that you are a safe and trustworthy person to share with, and can not only listen and actually hear them, but keep their confidences. Being trustworthy is so important, and will be a huge help to them in their healing process. Thank the person for the courage and trust they are demonstrating by being willing to share their journey with you. Reaffirm that there is never any possible justification for spiritual abuse, or any other sort of abuse. Also, reassure them that they will be cared for and loved, and that you will do your best to provide them with the support they need.
Don’t dig for details or make them feel they are being put under a microscope. The reality is that you don’t need to know all the details of what happened in order to be able to support someone in their healing process, and help them. Treat them with dignity and respect, and let them set the pace of any disclosures.
Don’t pepper them with ‘why’ questions such as, ‘why it took so long to disclose the mistreatment’, or, ‘if they are still in that church, why they are still there?’. These sort of questions can make them feel like they are under the microscope, or feel condemned because their response to their abuse wasn’t what you think is ideal.
Don’t make assumptions, or get defensive. You don’t know all the facts! If you truly want to help the hurting person it’s important that you control any impulse you feel to straight away defend the abusive person, especially if you know them, or defend the way a church has handled a situation. The reality is, it can be disturbing when a church leader or congregation member is accused of any kind of abuse, yet getting defensive will stop you being able to really hear and support the victim in the way they need you to.
Many times we don’t know other Christians or leaders as well as we think we do. Most abusers present a respectable and charming public face and are nice to friends and people they like, or want to impress. Keep in mind that a person’s public behaviour doesn’t make it impossible for them to be someone quite different away from the public eye.
Don’t seek to justify abusive behaviour to the wounded person or to others. In some of the times I’ve been subject to spiritually abusive behaviour other people have tried to justify the abuser’s behaviour with statements like, “Oh that’s just their personality” or “I’m sure they didn’t mean to do that”, “They would never do something like that”, “I’m sure you must have misunderstood”, and more… Whether the abuser deliberately meant to hurt the person or not, the person got hurt!. It’s important to acknowledge that, and to let them know you recognise their feelings as being valid.
Don’t make judgements against the perpetrator. Again, you don’t have all the facts. Wounding may have happened out of misunderstanding and ignorance of what Scripture says, or ignorance of God’s nature and character and how He treats people, or it may have been deliberate predatory behaviour. You are unlikely to find out which it is until proper investigative procedures have been followed, and in some cases the truth of what happened may never fully be known. You can’t afford to sit in judgement; that’s not your job, it’s God’s job.
Pray for them, but don’t push prayer on them
Let the person know that you care about them and pray for them in your personal prayer times. You don’t have to tell them you’re praying for them, or even offer to pray for them in person; in fact, in some cases, it’s better if you don’t tell them initially. Your prayers will be effective whether or not they know that you’re praying for them!
If you want to pray with them in person, ask if they would like that, and let them know it’s okay if they say, “No.” Don’t ever try to push prayer, inner healing ministry, or deliverance on them; that oversteps the boundary of respecting their right to determine their own pace in their healing process. There are many reasons that a person may not be ready for prayer or ministry, and we must be okay with that decision and the pace they want to set for moving forward.
Be aware, too, that telling them you’re praying for them, or telling them that they need ministry, can sometimes sound trite or even condescending to a hurting person, especially if they don’t quite know where you’re coming from, or can’t yet sense your genuine love and care. It also won’t help if your language is overly spiritual sounding, because spiritual sounding language has many times been a part of how they were hurt, so be aware of that.
Do encourage them to seek help, but don’t push advice on them
Spiritually abusive wounding involves both spiritual and psychological trauma. Often the psychological trauma is what needs the most immediate and urgent attention, since it can severely affect a person’s daily life. While you shouldn’t be afraid to suggest that they seek professional help, don’t push it on them or try to force them to do so.
Don’t feel pressured to try to help them just by yourself. They will need a team of supportive people around them who provide them with the variety of resources and help they’ll need.
Don’t push them to seek spiritual counselling or prayer ministry straight away. It may not be the wisest first step, especially if their abuser used Scripture, church practices and beliefs, or if being alone in private with a clergy member was part of how they were abused. If, and when, they seek spiritual help is their decision.
Give advice only if it’s asked for. If someone opens up to you about being spiritually wounded in an abusive way, don’t automatically switch to advice mode or ‘fix-them-up’ mode. Don’t tell them what they ‘should’ or ‘must’ do, as that can step over their ‘personal rights’ boundary and unwittingly add to their feeling of being controlled, or not being safe.
Don’t use Scripture as an automatic response. Scripture is often used to abuse people, so be careful in how you offer it as part of your support. Don’t use it in a “you should” or “you need to” way. Their ‘searching-out-control’ antennae will be on high alert and that may feel controlling to them.
Don’t try to rush them to a place of forgiveness. Forgiveness happens far more easily when hurts are healed. Don’t push them to have to forgive up-front and straight away. All it will do is make them think that because they’ve now said the words “I forgive” that they have to put everything behind them from that moment, forget what has been done to them, and move on. If you want to read more about this check out article 3 in this series.
Don’t push them to resolve the issue with their abuser. Don’t rush people to a place of seeking a face-to-face with their abuser, having to forgive or to seek reconciliation. May I suggest that you don’t automatically use Matthew 18 as a first response with people who have been spiritually wounded. Many abused people have been made to feel worthless and un-listened to by their abuser, especially if the abusive person used Scripture to intimidate, harass or try to control them; so using Matthew 18 straight away may be too much, too soon. Also, some people may never be willing to face their abuser, and we have to be okay with that. If, and when, they do is between them and God. Leave it to God.
Reporting the offence
If you believe that others need to know about the abuse then ask the hurt person’s permission to share the information, and if they don’t give permission, don’t try and push them into revealing it to others. Sometimes the hurt person either isn’t ready yet to report it, and deal with the consequences that come with reporting it, or they may never want to personally report it. While that may feel like an unwise decision to us, it is within their rights to make that decision. Instead, help the person get in touch with those who can provide the help they need, whether it’s for their physical protection, or healing help – including medical help, professional counsellors, and healing ministries.
A one-time offence probably does not need reporting, however, if there is a repeated pattern of abusive behaviour happening by a certain person, or if the behaviour is definitely predatory, it should be reported in order to keep others safe. Unreported and undealt with abuse creates a perfect environment where offending can continue, and when we don’t speak up we can unwittingly become complicit in allowing the abusive behaviour to continue.
Report repeated abuse to a trusted leader, or to the nominated person on the church accountability board, in a way that maintains any confidentiality arrangement you have with the victim, and that assures safety for them. If the church doesn’t have a readily available complaints procedure policy document that you can access from the church office, or download from their website, then ask what the course of action will be and how it will be properly dealt with, and get them to explain their accountability policy and procedure to you.
While the following website link goes to the National Domestic Violence hotline website here in New Zealand, it has some good advice on if, or when, police or other civil authorities may need to get involved in a case of abuse.
In finishing
You, as a friend or spouse, have a vital role to play in being able to help those you know who have been spiritually wounded and are suffering from the hurt and pain the abuse has caused. Victims of spiritual wounding and abuse need people who will walk supportively alongside them, not try to ‘instruct’ them out of their woundedness and what has undoubtedly been a difficult and painful journey for them. Don’t underestimate the power of your love and support, it’s a huge part of what will help them be able to move through the pain to find a place of resolve and healing.
(While this article is focused on helping victims of spiritually abusive wounding it is important to understand, and not ignore, the reality that perpetrators also need help and support in order to work through their issues and change their behaviour. There is some good advice about that available on this website. It features tools and resources to help church leaders respond to those who cause harm, whether they are a congregation member or church leader.)