The snare of self-abandonment - part 2
This article is Part 2 of a 2-part series. I recommend you read Part 1 first .
Godly, healthy, self-love and compassion
The most important human relationship you have in life is the relationship you have with yourself. That relationship influences, and sometimes even becomes the template for, every other relationship you form. It means that knowing and embracing your true identity is of paramount importance, and learning to love and care for yourself in a healthy way is necessary and fundamental to all the relating we do – with other people, and with God. Can I encourage you to search out, in the Bible, what God says about you, how He sees you, loves you, accepts you, and wants to care for you. The Bible tells us in John 10:10 “The thief’s (devil’s) purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”
The reality is, if you can’t love yourself in a healthy way you can never truly love others in a healthy way. The Bible tells us, “Love your neighbour as yourself” Lev 19:18. It is one of the two great commandments that Jesus spoke about in Mark 12.
We often make the mistake of thinking that a person who loves themself is just full of themself – full of pride and arrogance. The Bible does warn us against that type of conceited, prideful, and arrogant thinking (2 Tim 3:1-2), but there is also a good kind of loving yourself – a Godly, righteous and healthy self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion – and it is found in accepting that you were made in God’s image and likeness, and that you are therefore good, acceptable, and worthy of love, honour, respect, and being looked after.
The good and righteous kind of self-love causes you to be thankful for, and to care for, yourself in a healthy way, as shown in Psa 139:14, “I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.”
The Bible also tells us that seeking to acquire, and walk in, wisdom is a sign of healthy self-love. “To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper” Prov 19:8.
Because we are made in God’s image and likeness, and are loved by Him, we need to cultivate a loving, caring relationship with ourselves, even if it feels uncomfortable and we’re not entirely sure how to do it. We need to recognize that we are flawed, but completely worthy, and start showing up for ourselves, and allowing ourselves to freely express who we are and what we feel.
Abandoning yourself may have been a necessity during childhood, but it works against you as an adult. To be truly healthy – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically – you must stop abandoning yourself and start creating a loving, nurturing, relationship with yourself. If your soul is sick nothing in life will go as it should for you. You may become successful in business etc, but a sick soul will taint everything, causing no success to ever be enough. You will continually crave more – more success, more belongings, more influence – all to satisfy the longing of your soul to be recognised, accepted, and loved.
A wounded and sick soul will eventually cause problems in your life and in your health; it will affect your mental health and/or your physical health. John tells us that in the Bible. In this verse he was writing to a brother in Christ and, unknowingly at that time, he prays for us down through the corridors of time. “ Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul” 3 John 1:2.
Re-establishing a healthy, Godly, self-love
As we’ve shown, there is a healthy self-love that is Godly and necessary in order for us to live a healthy and successful life; or, as Scripture tells us in John 10:10, the kind of life that God always intended, and that Christ died to give us – “a rich and satisfying life”.
So let’s look at how you can develop a healthy self-love and begin to trust and value yourself again…
Know that you are made in God’s image and likeness
I’ve already spoken about that in Part 1 of this article, so I won’t go into it more here. Check out Genesis 1, 2, 5, and Psalm 139 for yourself, and let God speak to you through them and re-establish a Godly foundation for how you view yourself.
Know that God’s love for you is not performance based
Know that God loves you, accepts you, and that His love and acceptance were never based on your performance. Often the human love and acceptance we encounter in life is based on whether we perform certain ways, or measure up to someone’s expectations about who, and what, is acceptable. God is not like that. He loves you at your worst as much as He loves you at your best. And He has wonderful plans to bring out the best in you in ever increasing ways, so that you can more fully reflect the glory He gave you when He created you, and the glory and honour Christ bestowed on you (John 17:22). There is a saying I love… “You can exist where you are tolerated, but you will only thrive where you are celebrated.“ Your heavenly Father wants you to thrive, knowing by experience how profoundly loved, accepted, and celebrated you are by Him, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and all of heaven!
Trust that God is at work in you, bringing you to maturity and wholeness
God is trustworthy, faithful, good, and He will show you that, over and over. Trust that He plans to make all things work for good, to give you a future and a hope, to give you a rich and satisfying life as you trust Him and cooperate with Him (Rom 8:28, Jer 29:11, John 10:10).
Know that your feelings and needs matter
Your feelings and needs are important. We all have them; they are part of being human and are a gift from God. They are important inbuilt messengers, an internal communication system that gives us important information relating to the world around us, and how we are reacting to it. If you want to be healthy you need to learn how to be a safe haven for your own feelings and needs, to treat them, and yourself, with respect. If you learn to hear what your feelings are communicating, listen to them, and learn how to cooperate with them in a healthy way, you’ll be happier and healthier because you will be treating yourself with dignity and respect.
To begin giving your emotions the respect they deserve, practice identifying your feelings throughout the day. If this is new to you, it can help to use a list of feeling words or an Emotions Wheel. (I’ve attached a picture of the emotions wheel at the end of this article). Identify what you are feeling – I’m feeling ___________ – then ask yourself, “What is this emotion trying to tell me? What do I need right now?”
The objective is to stay present with your difficult feelings, rather than to abandon yourself when you feel overwhelmed. Prayer is helpful here, too; not asking God to take the feelings away – that can actually be a form of self-abandonment – but instead, ask the Lord what He needs you to know about yourself, or others, in this moment, and who He wants to be to you in this moment.
Pray
Talk to the Lord about the realisation that you have not treated yourself as He’d love you to treat yourself – with dignity, honour, care, and compassion. Repent – the biblical meaning of the Hebrew and Greek words for the word repent means to “change your mind” (Greek) and to “return to who you really are” (Hebrew). It’s like the prodigal son in Luke 15, where he comes to his right mind and decides to return home to his father and his rightful identity. Allow the Lord to bring healing to your distorted identity and woundedness – this may mean you going to talk to a professional counsellor, or a pastor, inner healing minister, or even needing some deliverance. Follow the Lord’s leading, He knows what will help you.
“You can exist where you are tolerated, but you will only thrive where you are celebrated.”
Get to know yourself, and allow yourself to be the unique person you are
Sometimes we can lose touch with who we really are. If you feel out of touch with your true self, then take time to rediscover what you like and what matters to you. Try not to hide parts of yourself out of fear of disapproval or judgment. Not everyone is going to like you; that’s life, and that’s okay. Don’t shrink, or change, to please others or fit in. Express who you are through your work, your creative pursuits, your hairstyle and clothes, your hobbies, interests, and passions.
Treat yourself with compassion
Everyone deserves care and comfort when they are suffering, and you need to know how to give those things to yourself. Often we’re great at doing this for others, but we are not so great at doing it for ourselves. We tend to minimize our own struggles and often fail to love ourself when we need it the most.
Self-compassion is about recognising that you are not perfect, and that’s okay. It means that you are kind to yourself and understanding when confronted with personal failings, instead of judging and criticising yourself mercilessly because you didn’t live up to some standard of perfection that was never achievable to start with. For many of us, having self-compassion will feel strange or uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier and more comfortable with these two things – understanding how God loves us and accepts us, and with practice.
How can you practice self-compassion? Having a plan to put into practice is an important part of learning to treat yourself with respect and dignity. Think about some concrete actions you can take to comfort yourself. Make a list and read over it often. That may include things like taking time out to do something you love, planning your escape from situations you find difficult, giving yourself permission to say ‘No’, read a book, exercise, pray, organise and tidy your space, say what you need, set boundaries, journal etc.
Stand up for yourself
Another important aspect of healthy self-love and trust is learning how to advocate for yourself. Believe me, I know it can be scary to assert yourself and set boundaries, and this is an ongoing process of growth and self-care for me. Most of us are afraid of offending or angering people, and we’re afraid that we’ll be rejected if we do. But the alternative — letting others walk all over you — is self-abandonment. It’s saying that other people’s needs and wants matter more than mine, and I will accept disrespect, invalidation, and blame because I don’t think I’m worthy of anything better. Clearly this is not the foundation God wants us to build our life on, as it’s a very shaky, insecure one. It’s also not a healthy foundation to build a relationship with others on.
In conclusion
God’s plan for us is to be able to live rich and satisfying lives, where we respect and honour ourself, and each other. My prayer is that these articles will have given you a fresh glimpse into how God sees you, and how much He desires you to respect and honour yourself as He does.
If you don’t know how God sees you and how much He loves you, then can I suggest that you do a study on that in the Bible, or read some books or articles which tell you how much you are loved by God, and the wonderful plans He has to bring you into wholeness, so that you can live unashamed and with godly self-acceptance and love.
If you do know that God loves you, but you realize that you’ve abandoned aspects of yourself to fit in with others, with religious expectations, or if you don’t see yourself as the Lord sees you, then take some time to process that with Him, and allow Him to restore you.
Take some time to talk to Him about where, and when, you’ve abandoned and dishonoured yourself by not showing your feelings and needs the respect they deserve. Decide what you will do about that, how you will start to show up for yourself. Will you listen to what your body and feelings are telling you? Will you prioritize self-care in a healthy way? Will you comfort yourself when you’re having a hard time? Will you set boundaries without feeling guilty? Will you stand up for yourself, even if others disapprove? Where you begin is not important; the important thing is that you take one small step today to value yourself and treat yourself with the dignity and care that God treats you with.
The emotions wheel pic
This emotions wheel is a great aid for identifying the emotions you are feeling in a situation. The middle, or core section, of the wheel is usually the presenting emotion you initially feel. From identifying that emotion you can use the outer two circles to start narrowing down the layers and nuances of what you’re feeling.
