When positivity turns toxic - part 2
This article is part of an ongoing discussion series on Mental Health and the Church. While each article can stand alone, if you’d like to start at the beginning click here.
In the last article we looked at how dismissing our emotions, squashing them down, denying them expression, and putting on a positive face was damaging, both for ourselves and for others. We discovered that dismissive positivity outworks itself in our thoughts, attitudes, and actions, leading us to also want to stop others from expressing what we see as negativity. This then becomes a toxic form of behaviour. Add to that the belief that Christians should always be seen to have faith, to be positive, victorious, overcomers and we have the perfect environment for toxic positivity to become part of our church culture.
The word toxic means – harmful in a pervasive and insidious way, or poisonous. Positivity becomes unhealthy or toxic when it becomes a substitute for facing our real feelings and working through them, or when it stops us from allowing others to show their real feelings. Dismissive, or toxic, positivity promotes a “positive outlook only” approach to life and suppresses the expression of anything it deems to be negative.
Christians have amazing reasons to be positive – God has given us many great promises in Scripture, and He is trustworthy and faithful to carry those through. But if we have a problem with handling our own uncomfortable emotions and responses then we can unwittingly try and stop others from expressing theirs, and use faith and Scripture to back up that behaviour.
Here are some examples of how we speak to ourselves, or to others, using dismissive, or toxic, positivity. Maybe you’ve used some of them, or had them said to you. Some of these statements may initially not feel dismissive or toxic to you as you read them, and many times people do mean them in a genuinely helpful way; even if they don’t always feel helpful to the person being told them. But, if a person’s reason for saying them is because they feel uncomfortable with people showing uncomfortable, or strong emotions and want to deflect them from showing those emotions, then they are being used in a toxic manner.
We castigate, using statements like, “You know better than this”, “Come on, buck up”, or “Don’t be so negative”, “You’ll find another job easily”, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Or the classic, yet untruthful, Christian expression, “God did this for my / your good”.
We feel that we have to try to give some perspective – or a “better” perspective – and say things like, “Focus on the good things you’ve still got”, “You really should keep a positive attitude”, “God allowed it for a reason”, “God obviously wants to teach you something”, “You get to choose a new path now”, or “It will all work out in the end”.
We can try to brush things off using statements like, “It is what it is”, “Never mind, it’ll be over soon”, “It could have been worse”, or “At least you’re alive”.
We shame people for expressing frustration or disappointment. We may say things like, “Happiness is a choice”, “You shouldn’t be frustrated, cheer up”, “You should be praising God, that’s what the Bible says we should do”, or “It’s not that bad”.
We refuse to be around anyone who’s not positive enough, and seek to push them away or exclude them by saying things like, “I only want positive people around me”, “Our culture is a positive one here”, “Positive vibes only”, “Chill out man”, or “We don’t want any Negative Nancy’s around here”.
We minimize feelings and experiences, by using ‘positive’ statements like, “Everything happens for a reason”, “ It’s not that bad”, or in the case of loss of a loved one, “God must have wanted another angel in heaven”, “There’s are other people far worse off”, or “Be glad that you had them for the time you did”.
When something is identified in a workplace or family that needs changing, people say things like, “Don’t be critical”, “Oh it’s not really that bad”, “We always bring our A-game to work, buck up”, “Don’t worry/stress/get upset about it.” etc.
When we, or others, are sick we say, “I’m sure it’ll turn out fine”, “Just imagine how you’re going to grow through this”, “You can beat it, you just gotta have faith”, “Don’t think about it, stay positive”, or “God will heal you, I have faith for it”.
When we say things like these we often mean well, but it can also come across to the person we’re talking to as a platitude, a fob-off, a denial of the value their feelings have, or a clumsy attempt to redirect their focus away from their feelings and problems. The end result of continuing to do so is harmful. When we suppress, or deny, emotions, and don’t allow them to be talked about, it ends up in us denying much-needed support, minimizing emotions, silencing concerns and fears, causing repression of emotion, and invalidating experiences.
Allow for processing
During a horrible time, trying to persuade people to see things positively while they’re experiencing hurt and pain can be damaging to them and to your relationship with them.
That’s the time they need us to be there with the touch of a hand on an arm, a comment like, “I don’t know what to say, it must be so hard for you at the moment”, or “What do you need from me at this moment?”, or “Tell me about how that feels for you”. During hard times people want to know that they are seen, accepted, and heard. They want to know that they are loved and supported and are not alone. They don’t want to feel that their emotional state is being discounted, or that they are being judged for having those feelings.
Unhealthy positivity and churches
Over the years I have been privileged to minister in many congregations and groups of Christians around the world. I am most familiar with the Charismatic/Pentecostal churches in our country, as that’s where I have served long-term as a pastor, leader, and prophet for the last thirty-plus years. Sadly during that time I’ve sometimes seen the focus on being a positive victorious, overcoming Christian cross the line into harmful, and even toxic, positivity, as we seek to present to each other and to the world, a victorious, strong, overcoming persona, and stance.
There have been times that I’ve been on the receiving end of some of that unbalanced positivity, and to be honest it hurt. I felt like the person didn't really care, even if they did, and other times it was clear the person just didn't want to hear anything they thought was a negative emotion. And sadly I have to admit there have been times when I’ve been the one using unhelpful statements as I’ve struggled to know what to say and how to help people. I’ve had to repent for that and have sought to change that mindset and behaviour in my life.
As individuals, congregations, and church leaders, we would do well to consider the cultures we’ve built around our lives – personally and corporately. If we truly want healthy churches we must be willing to examine the cultures and practices we’ve developed in our churches, and in that process we must be careful not to shut down discussion or leap to defend the culture that we’ve built. Toxic positivity will often leap to the defence of the toxic culture in order to not rock the boat or expose bad practices.
We need to consider the power and effect of the words we speak – whether our positivity is a balanced one that allows for uncomfortable conversations and emotions, or whether it is a shield against facing uncomfortable things and a toxic form of subtle control and manipulation through positivity. That’s a hard statement to read, I know, but sadly that can happen when we give the impression that it’s ‘not Christian’ to show that you feel sad, to openly grieve, to be angry, depressed, anxious, etc. Yet God Himself does not judge us for any of our emotions. Our emotions have consequences, and God is not afraid to speak about that side of things, or show that in the Bible, but He doesn’t discourage any of our emotions from being felt or expressed in a healthy way. So why do we?
The words we speak to ourselves and to each other can create a place of safety, and an atmosphere that people love to be in – a place where people are seen, heard, and accepted, a place where they can grow and flourish, and a place that’s inviting to bring them into. Or we can create the opposite. I know what sort of church I’d rather be in, and I’m sure that you do, too.
Coming next
In the next article I’ll be sharing some examples of different things we can say to encourage and uplift people, using the power of validation and true optimism, instead of using dismissive positivity. I’m sure that you’ll find them helpful.
For the next article in this series click here.