When positivity turns toxic - part 4

This article is part of an ongoing discussion series on Mental Health and the Church. While each article can stand alone if you’d like to start at the beginning click here.

In the last three articles we’ve looked at dismissive positivity and the toxic culture it can create, as well as the damage it does to ourselves, to relationships, and even to our ability to be a safe person for others to be around. We saw that this type of unhealthy positivity brushes over the horrid things that happen in our lives, dismissing or minimizing them. We tend to want to do this especially with unpleasant emotions because we find them uncomfortable, or at times frightening in their intensity, or because we don’t know how to deal with them when they surface. So instead of acknowledging our feelings and expressing them in a healthy way we push them down to rage within us, essentially declaring war on our own bodies.

So what are some things that can help change that in our lives, and also in our families, churches, and in society?

Re-look at your relationship with your emotions. They are your friends, not foes; allies, not enemies. They give you important information and work together with your senses and mind to help you process the information you receive from the world around you.

Become mindful and learn to acknowledge your unpleasant emotions early, before they build up to something damaging. Being mindful simply means to be conscious or aware of what you are feeling at any given time.

Know that you are more than your emotions and feelings. They are part of you, but they do not define you. The aim is to allow your mind, emotions, and ‘self’ or spirit, and the Spirit of God to help you process through the emotions to a place of stability and peace. It’s to bring your whole being back into a place of harmony.

Learn why you have certain emotions, and how they are good for you. Gaining an understanding of why God gave you the ability to feel certain emotions can help you know why you’re feeling them in a given situation. I did a quick online search, asking this question about different uncomfortable emotions, “How is ….good for us?” I picked anger, grief, sadness, and frustration and I was surprised at what I learned. I came away with a whole new appreciation of those emotions. (I’ll be doing a separate post on this subject)

Have a healthy Biblical perspective. God is okay with all our emotions and wants to help us, especially with our uncomfortable ones. I love this verse a friend shared with me the other day from Psa 94:19 “When my anxious inner thoughts become overwhelming, your comfort encourages me.”

There is a healthy optimism we can have as Christians that isn’t based on burying our emotions or religiously quoting scripture at them. There are many times in Scripture that God reminds us that He is with us and that He will make all things work together for good. That doesn’t mean He’ll make everything turn out perfect, but it does mean that He knows how to take our pains, our hardships, and use them to bring good into our lives. He works on our character during those times, gives us understanding and tools we can use, and yes, sometimes He does miracles too. He tells us to practice thankfulness and to praise Him in the midst of trials and testing. We can do this because we know He is working on our behalf in the midst of what we are facing. This action – praising Him – is one of faith, and is born of knowing that He is trustworthy and faithful.  Check out these verses – Is 41:10; Psa 9:9-10; Eph 5:20; 1 Thess 5:16-18; Phil 4:6-7; Rom 5:3-5; and Rom 8:28.

Praising God when times are tough is a great response, and when we do it while honouring our uncomfortable emotions, and expressing them appropriately, it is powerful. When we continue to do so it deals a death blow to the enemy’s plans to bring us into a dark place and enables us to emerge victorious. Allowing others to express their emotions, while at the same time encouraging them to look to God and praise Him, knowing that He is with them in the midst of their battle, will empower them and strengthen them with hope too.

Know you have a choice, and that within you is the power to make a good choice. God has given us that power of choice, the ability to process information and to choose wisely or to act thoughtlessly. That’s why our sense of discernment and the ability to think and process information were given to us by God. It’s why we can choose to live by the Spirit or by the flesh. As Christians, every situation we face will, in the end, show us whether we’ve chosen to live from the Spirit of God within us or from our flesh. Graham Cooke, in his book Approaching the Heart of Prophecy, says "Every situation is about who you choose to be in that circumstance.” It’s us that make the choice of who we’re going to be and how we’re going to respond. Circumstances do not have power over us to force us into making a certain choice.

Scripture tells us several times that we can choose to live by the Spirit or by the flesh (see list at end of article). Life will always be full of situations, and difficult people, who seek to put their imprint on our lives – either mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. How we react in those times, whether we move in the Spirit or the flesh, will tell a lot about us. As we’ve shown, it is perfectly normal to have reactions to people and to situations. It is also normal for it to take time for us to make a good choice, to sift through the emotions so that we can think clearly. Don’t be down on yourself if you take a while, or even make a wrong choice; just turn to Holy Spirit at that point of recognition and ask for help to make a good choice. Our reactions and emotions become further, or less, established in our lives and our thinking, based on the importance we give the situation and how we process it in our thinking. Process them with Holy Spirit who is your wise counselor, comfort, and help in times of need.

Asking questions is okay

Asking the ‘what if’ questions, allowing God to challenge our status quo, our underlying beliefs about ourselves, and our world, is a healthy place to be, especially when we know that God’s challenge also comes with His wisdom and provision. Asking questions means that we open ourselves to the possibility of an alternative to the way we are currently viewing things, or what theologians call an ‘alternative orthodoxy’, i.e. developing an alternative to the authorized or generally accepted theory, doctrine, or practice. Allowing an alternative orthodoxy based on who God is, and how His Kingdom really operates, will empower us to stand courageously, and also to lovingly critique ourselves, our beliefs and our world. This is absolutely essential if we want to see good changes come into being, and if we want to be relevant to those around us.

Change takes time and consistency

Knowing all the things mentioned above is one thing; putting it into practice consistently is another. Doing so takes guts, a willingness to live honestly, and the ability to admit any struggles we’re having. It’s only as we are finally willing to let go of our unhealthy coping mechanisms that we can be rebuilt inside and out. It’s in this place that we discover God’s unconditional love and never-ending grace in a whole new way.

As you seek to establish a more healthy relationship with your feelings you will sometimes slip up and miss their cues, ignore them, allow them to dominate, and be your master. That’s normal; it happens when we are learning to master any new task. Give yourself grace, don’t beat yourself up. Realize that you are learning, and when you’re learning you don’t expect to be good at that thing straight away. Step by step, day by day, make the choice to be authentic, to honour your emotions, and engage with them instead of stuffing them down and ignoring them. Choose to speak honestly about how you feel. Be wise in who you share with because some people won’t be able to handle that level of honesty.

Give other people, and the Church, time to change. There is an analogy here that may be appropriate. When a large ship is moving at full speed it takes time and distance to make a turn and change course. First, the people piloting the ship need to see the necessity for a course change, they need to enter new coordinates in their system, and begin the turn. In the process, they need to factor in obstacles, weather patterns, etc. In other words, turning the ship around may not be all plain sailing. Changing our lives, or bringing changes in the Church, is a bit like that too. It may not happen quickly or be all plain sailing, but when we know that the destination is worth it, we keep forging ahead, knowing that Holy Spirit will be with us through it all, helping, giving us course corrections and much-needed wisdom and advice.  

And remember, the best criticism of the bad is the consistent practice and establishing of something better. As one person you or I may not be able to change all of mankind; all we can do is invite God to keep working on us and live in the light of that work. In doing so, in making those personal changes, we can also be a catalyst for change within our sphere of influence. And, if enough of us do that then our cultures can be changed.

For the next article in this series click here.

Some scriptures about living by the Spirit

Gal 2:20; Gal 5:1-25; Eph 3:16; Eph 5:2,18; 2 Cor 3:18; Gal 6:8; Rom 12:2; Eph 5:2,8; 1 John 2:6; Col 1:10-11.

Books that I’ve found helpful, or that come highly recommended (and the url links for them)

How Do I Feel? A Dictionary of Emotions for Children – Rebekah Lipp and Craig Phillips. (NZ authors)

Atlas of the Heart – Brene Brown (looks at the 87 emotions and experiences that define us)

Finding Calm: Managing fear and anxiety in an uncertain world – Sarb Joha (NZ author)

Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved  – Kate Bowler 

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality - Peter Scazzero