Things not to say - part 1
This article is part of an ongoing discussion series on Mental Health and the Church. While each article can stand on alone, if you’d like to start at the beginning click here.
Are there things that you shouldn’t say to a Christian who’s battling with mental health issues, or even ongoing or severe sickness issues? Oh yeah! Believe me when I say there are, and I’ve had heaps of them said to me over the years.
Doing the research for this series of posts I was given a copy of an article from Mike King’s website ‘I am Hope’, called ‘15 Things You Should Never Say to Someone With Depression’ (link at end of this article). That article got me thinking about the things we say as Christians to those who are struggling, that would be better if they were never said.
Sometimes the things we say when we’re talking to others or seeking to advise them can be unwise and unhelpful, causing hurt and further damage to someone who may already feel vulnerable and fragile. And on the receiving end of that advice, sometimes our woundedness makes us hear things from a certain perspective through the filter of our hurt. Either way hurt happens, and we each need to face that and do what we can to ensure that our communication is given, and accepted, well.
So, let’s get to it. Let’s tackle this elephant in the room, and see if we can shift it.
Preferably, when giving advice, stay away from using definite statements, or statements that may feel pressurizing to the person you’re talking to, such as – you must, you should, you need, you obviously, harden up, stand up… These are often said because the person saying them has made an assumption, and an often incorrect one at that. Assumption-based statements make the person you are talking to feel not understood, judged, shamed, defensive, and backed into a corner.
The truth and the reality is…we don’t have the right to tell any person that they must do anything. We can suggest that they consider whether something could be helpful, but we don’t have the right to try to coerce, or pressure, them.
Julia-Grace, NZ singer, songwriter, and mental health advocate, recently said, “Words are easily accessible tools, and can change our lives with a little thought.” They certainly can – in a positive or negative way – depending on how we use them. Words are tools, and man…can they ever do their job well – for building up or for destroying.
Engage your brain before speaking
The phrase “engage your brain before speaking” is an old one, but something we need to be reminded of again and again, it seems. An important part of caring for people well is stewarding our words, and thinking before we speak, weighing up whether what we are about to say will actually be helpful, or what is needed for that situation. Here are some things to think about and check…
Have you stopped and thought through what you’re intending to say? Have you thought about what would be the best way to say it?
If you say this, or say it the way it is currently in your mind, will it build up, encourage and give grace? Have you considered what effect saying it may have on the person, or what fruit it may produce in their life? Is it wise, is it helpful, is it kind, is it necessary? Will it strengthen and encourage them in their journey, or will it have a negative effect and make them feel worse than they already feel?
Are you making any assumptions, or jumping to a conclusion, without knowing the facts, or truth of the matter?
Why do you think you have the right to speak into this person’s life? Do you have a relationship with the person that gives you that right, (are you a personal friend, have they asked for your help, are you a trusted advisor of theirs, their pastor, etc) or have you made an assumption that you have the right to give them advice?
What not to say…
So, what sort of things are unhelpful to say, or should be dropped altogether. Here’s some of the things that have been said to me, and others, that are extremely unhelpful, and some things you could say instead…
You need to… get into Jesus more, spend more time with Him, get some fight in you, pray with more passion, pray longer, pray in tongues, read the Bible more, do some fasting… The person has probably done them over and over, and you telling them that they need to do them more will not help. Statements like these make a person feel accused and shamed. Just don’t use them.
Instead – talk to the person, ask them how they are doing. Sometimes they just need to know they are seen, not overlooked, and that someone cares and is willing to listen to them, more than they need advice. If the conversation develops, and it seems right, then encourage them to share how they are finding talking to the Lord about their problems and worries. Do they find it easy or hard? Why is that? Do they know how much the Lord loves them and wants to encourage them, strengthen them, and be there with them in the middle of what they are facing. Share with them how God feels about them, how He wants to give them strength and wisdom, to refresh them, and let them know His love.
Have you prayed about it? Most Christians have prayed their hearts out over their struggles, so don’t say this unless after conversation it becomes very obvious that they haven’t.
Instead – you could ask, “As you’ve prayed about this, what has the Lord shown you or told you?” This opens conversation up between you, and invites them to share.You must have some unconfessed sin or unforgiveness in your life. Any accusation like this is only going to make people feel judged and defensive, and they are less likely to listen to you because of that. Don’t jump to conclusions and make assumptions like this, it’s not helpful at all. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job to point out areas of sin or unforgiveness to them; it’s not our job to do so.
Instead – if you feel Holy Spirit prompting you that this may be an area that needs looking at, say something like this instead, “Can I suggest that it might be worth asking the Holy Spirit to show you if there is anyone you need to forgive, because sometimes unforgiveness can cause a blockage that makes it harder to work through things.” Then leave it up to them. Don’t force the issue, let Holy Spirit do His work.You need deliverance! Why do charismatic and pentecostal Christians, in particular, often jump to this option as a first possibility? Don’t automatically assume this. Not everything that happens in a person’s life is because of a demon. Many things are either trauma based, biological, or neurological in their origin.
Instead – Conversation and getting to know them is a better idea. Further conversations may show if they have engaged in witchcraft or occult practices, or have a family history of that, but we cannot afford to have this as a stock answer or belief, and certainly not as a first response.You need to stand down from ministry. You can’t help others while you’re struggling. Don’t disqualify people because they are facing a hard patch in life. God doesn’t! If He did, then half the contents written about our heroes of faith would disappear from the Bible. Most people can still help others while they work through issues – we all do that, to varying degrees, every day.
Instead – Say something like, “I notice that you seem to be struggling with your workload a bit at the moment. How can we make things easier to help you with that?” Ask them if they would like some of their responsibilities to be shared with someone else for a short period of time, and if they are happy with that then work out the details in a way that includes them, not cuts them out. Don’t just remove them from ministering altogether. Both Rob and I have had this done to us; it left us feeling unheard, unwanted, unappreciated, abandoned, and it took us months to work though the effects of being treated so carelessly.You’re an overcomer. Where’s your fight?…Rise up! Sometimes you just get tired of the constant struggle. True, sometimes we do need to be reminded to not let passivity overcome us, but motivation by “telling off” is rarely the wisest, or best, form of motivation.
Instead – ask, “How can I help you best at the moment? What do you need from me?”Christians don’t need anti-depressants and other medical intervention or help, they just need Jesus. This comment shows both a lack of understanding and empathy, and comes across as one that is full of judgement. Please don’t say stuff like this. Yes, we need Jesus, that’s a definite. But sometimes the body’s finely tuned balance can be out of whack, and it needs medical help to bring it back into balance and allow it time to heal.
Instead – please re-examine how true those beliefs and statements are, and don’t push your beliefs onto others.
In the next post I’ll share some more “What not to say” statements, as well as some suggestions for how we can begin to change both the way that we speak, and our church cultures, in this area.
For the next article in this series click here
I am Hope article – ‘15 Things You Should Never Say to Someone With Depression’ https://www.iamhope.org.nz/_files/ugd/b9e4d0_3c77c077f6384b7ab635a4e8a30287a0.pdf