Things not to say - part 2

More things not to say….

This article is part of an ongoing discussion series on Mental Health and the Church. While each article can stand on alone, if you’d like to start at the beginning click here.

The last post might have been a bit of an eye-opener and a shock, but I won’t apologise for that. Maybe you didn’t realise that people say stuff like that, or maybe you recognised something you’ve actually said in some of the sayings. We need to face the fact that in many of our churches people don’t know how to communicate in helpful ways. The reality is, our words are powerful. The words we speak have long-lasting power that goes on working sometimes for years after we speak them. Words can bring healing or delay it. They can bring life and build people up, encourage, motivate, bring wisdom and clarity of sight, or they can hurt, tear down, destroy confidence, and leave a person with lasting, and sometimes even life-long, scars.

Here’s some more things it’s unwise to say to someone who is struggling…

• You need to have more faith. This is another form of saying, “You’re not good enough as a Christian” and it heaps shame on people. There are times when we all need our faith strengthened by others supporting us in prayer, and with practical help. Instead, ask how you can best support them in what they are going through. And please don’t say “I’ll be praying for you” if you don’t actually mean to do so.
  Instead – encourage them that it’s normal to feel tired in a battle, and that neither God nor you think less of them because they are feeling tired and have questions or doubts. Ask if there is anything practical you can do to help them in this time. Having faith doesn’t mean we ignore our questions and doubts, it just means that we trust God more than we trust what our doubts and questions are suggesting to us.

• You need to try…. inner healing, SOZO, Theophostic ministry, Generational cleansing, Lie-busting. Tapping, EMDR, Cognitive behavioural therapy, etc. Sometimes we can want to recommend something because it helped us, but it can sometimes come across as you trying to pressurise the person and push your favourite ‘help’ tool on them. The key phrase to remember here is ‘don’t pressure, don’t be pushy’!
  Instead – if it seems appropriate and you’re in a conversation with them, then ask them if they’ve considered looking into whether a certain thing may help, but don’t try to pressure people into trying something. If you haven’t built any sort of relationship yet, then reconsider the idea of whether you have the right to tell them that they need a certain therapy.

• Why didn’t you tell me you needed help? For many people, sharing their struggles is hard. It takes guts and courage to do so, and many times people struggle with whether they’ll be judged for struggling. In a previous post, I covered why people often don’t ask for help, so I won’t say more here on that.

• Christians shouldn’t go to non-Christian counsellors, they are of the world…of the devil… God doesn’t just give wisdom and knowledge only to Christians. Seriously, we gotta stop saying stuff like this.
  Instead – say nothing and re-examine that belief, please.

• Are you still struggling with that?  Sometimes people put on a good face and we can genuinely be surprised to discover that they are struggling, or still struggling, in an area. But saying something like that is not wise and will almost certainly hurt them. Instead – say something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were still having a hard time. How can I help?” Maybe suggest getting together for a coffee or to watch a fun movie – people often just need to know we care and are there for them. They don’t always need us to try and fix them, but they do need to know they are loved, no matter where they are on their health journey.

• Maybe God’s doing this because, or letting you go through this, because… He wants to teach you something / because He as a ministry in this area for you / He is punishing you for a sin or omission…
  Instead – do some study on the nature and character of God. Re-examine the beliefs that would prompt you to say something like this. God is not an immoral, manipulative father who uses sickness to get His way in His children’s lives, to teach them something, or punish His children for doing something He doesn’t approve of. He is the healer of sickness, not the giver of it. And in regards to ministry coming from it – maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but if it does, it will be as a son or daughter of God who carries their Father’s heart for hurting people, not because He let, or made, you go through it in order to make you bear fruit in a certain area for Him. 

• I need to pray for you. God will heal you if I do. Whatever the reason, whether you are genuinely wanting to help, or you think your prayers are more powerful than their own ones, or anyone else who’s prayed for them, saying it like that isn’t helpful. Instead – ask, “Would it be okay if I prayed for you?” If they say no, don’t get in a huff or judge them; respect that they have the right to make that decision. Ask them if there is anything else you could do for them, any other practical way you can help.

People are precious; they don’t need, un-thought through, ill-considered, advice or platitudes. Don’t pretend that you understand what’s wrong with them, and don’t go straight to ‘giving advice’ mode. What we need is people who are authentically interested in our well-being, who will treat us as they like to be treated themselves when they’re going through a hard time.

You may have gone through a hard spell and had some unwise things said to you, and you brushed them off and carried on. Your situation improved, and you just dismissed the unwise advice as an odd thing that someone said to you. Now imagine that your situation hadn’t improved, and months, or years, later people are still coming up to you offering well-meaning, but dumb, advice.

This is the reality for many of those who face ongoing mental health, or sickness, struggles. We face it time and time again. In the end many of us decide that it’s easier to say “I’m fine”, instead of sharing how we really feel. And that’s how our churches came to have so many people who are struggling – because time and time again we give them help that’s not actually helpful.

How do we change this stuff?

We can say it’s the church’s fault, and we may well be inclined to do that. But the truth is, we are the church! You and me!

And the way we start to change it is to take personal responsibility for how we communicate with others. Take time to educate yourself. Upskill in listening, and communication skills. There are so many good books and online content that can help us learn effective communication skills etc.

Become aware of how you personally talk to people – the things you say that are not wise – and when you catch yourselves saying something unwise, correct it. Apologise for what you said and for any effect it may have had on them. Ask them how what you said made them feel. Open a conversation; don’t scuttle away, ashamed because you put your foot in your mouth. Become the change yourself.

Talk to others; start, or become part of, discussions about this issue, and do so with a growth mindset and non-judgmental attitude.

We can change it by taking time to listen to people’s journeys and letting them know they are seen, accepted, wanted, and needed as part of our Kingdom family. We let them know that by how we talk to them. We let them know that, while we may not truly know what they’ve been through – because we haven’t been through it – we do take their feelings seriously, and we acknowledge their pain and the effects their struggles have had on them.

We talk about this publicly, from the pulpit, owning and addressing the issues. We don’t go on the defensive, seeking to justify our past behaviour or sweep things under the carpet. We own up to our shortcomings, and we do the necessary work to change.

We could set up a working group in our church that is given the freedom to explore possibilities and to bring suggestions for how, as a church congregation, we can care for people who are struggling. And we can commit to following through as leaders, looking at the needs of our congregation on all levels, not just spiritual. Some suggestions – Things like having a directory of places on our church website where people can get help. Maybe setting up groups that minister holistically to people with needs, or that give practical help doing lawns, making meals, or fixing stuff. It’s often those everyday needs that are so often hard to stay on top of when you are struggling.

I know many churches already have some of these things in place, and that’s great! Keep going, those things can make a world of difference to someone who’s in a tough patch.

Future vision

In the future many churches will once again come back to caring and providing for the whole person, not just their spiritual growth; as the early church did when it took care of widows and poor, when it opened places of healing, cared for travellers etc. Many churches will have wellness centres attached to them, either in their church building, or in a local community building, that provide a variety of care modalities – professional counselling, prayer ministry, healing rooms, budgeting advice, food banks, health clinics, training classes, care groups supervised by trained health professionals, and who knows, maybe even a referral service to professionals who do pro-bono work – nurses or doctors dentists, lawyers, etc. Obviously, this all depends on congregations doing what they can do as an individual congregation, or linking together with other churches so they can amplify their ability to help people.

Some of these things have been happening for years, but they are few and far between. However, we are beginning to see a fresh impetus in this area and will continue to do so, as individuals, congregations, and church denominations become increasingly aware that within our congregations, residing in the lives of ordinary people, is the power and love that is needed to see the world transformed; as we each do our part. 

 For the next article in this series click here